It's Not You...I Still Love Her

I thought this Christmas would be different.  I thought I would no longer spend another Christmas alone, without a significant other.  Practically every family member and friend thought the same thing.  Unfortunately, it was another Christmas alone...and a painful one for me.  Seven years ago, I had a broken heart like this.  Many of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  That feeling where you physically ache in your gut.  The feeling of knowing you are powerless and there's nothing you can do but bear it. You will do anything that will take your mind off of the hurt for just a moment; take naps, watch movies, rake the leaves, clean your car and house from top to bottom, workout at the gym like crazy.  I am sitting in the same place that I did 7 years ago.  It's a place that I could go and be alone, without being alone.  I would sit here for hours and hours reading, journaling, observing everyone else, and in my little bubble, feeling invisible.   As time went on, and my heart healed, I didn't rely upon Starbucks so much. I know you are laughing that Starbucks was my shelter from the storm, but when you are hurting, people will think and do things that don't make sense.  So tonight, I sit in the corner of Starbucks...heartbroken and writing this.  

Many people have said that I should write a book or have a movie about my life, and they are right! You cannot make up the experiences I have had in my life, especially with men!  Drama tends to follow, with little effort on my part.  Making money off of the crazy things that happen in my life seems like the way to go.  Might as well entertain some folks! LOL!  I have decided to start blogging about these experiences and who knows, perhaps one day, I can write a book.  So, I will start with where I am right now.  Those of you who know me, know that I am an open book. There isn't much that I hold back, so you shouldn't expect anything different in this blog.  This post will be a deviation from how I usually end my blog.  It will not end with me having the hope that better things are to come or that I know that through this God is teaching me another lesson.  Honestly, this sucks and I just need to take a moment to feel sorry for myself and not look for a silver lining.  

This story starts at the beginning of November.  I had just had another encounter with a total jerk and was fed up with men.  {I've started giving them names so that my friends can keep them straight}.  There are those like Jerk John, Aggressive Allan, Chill Chase (which later became Cheap Chase), and others I will get to in future posts (names have been changed}.  I remember making a post on Facebook stating that I could not be convinced that there were any good, or decent single men that existed.  Shortly after, my coworker had mentioned a single guy(I will call him Sweet Sam) that she had been telling me about for years.  Seriously, she probably told me about him a couple times a year for 5 or more years!!  Now, I sure wish I would have agreed to meet him then.  She asked if she could tell him about me and I flippantly said sure, with no intentions of anything coming of it.  He happened to check out my Facebook page the same day I posted my "I hate boys" post.  He still expressed interest in me even with my cynical attitude.  He began messaging me on Facebook and I really was going through the motions at first.  He was always quick to respond and asked good questions.  He maintained appropriate conversation, which believe it or not, seems to be impossible for a man.  We realized that we had many mutual friends, and later admitted to each other that we questioned the same friends to find any dirt on one another.  He even did a public access record check on me!  I was relieved that so many people had wonderful things to say about him.  We found we had a lot in common.  We hate the smell of cigarette smoke, have never been drunk, are debt free, could care less about football, we love God, and want a family...soon!  He is unlike any guy I have ever met.  I remember telling my coworker that I was afraid I was going to like him.  Our conversations continued and he asked me out on a date!  I was excited and had two weeks before we could meet.  Those two weeks went by very slowly.  Finally, the night had come and he picked me up.  He greeted me with a smile and a hug. He didn't show an ounce of nervousness and proceeded like he was continuing our last conversation. I felt like a wreck inside!  He took me to dinner and the conversation was great!  I remember asking him why he had this grin on his face.  He said, "I cannot believe you are not married."  Then, I had the silly grin.  We also watched the movie "Dumb and Dumber To" and had a lot of laughs.  There were a few moments when I wondered if he was embarrassed of my laugh, like a guy had admitted to me in the past.  We laughed a lot that evening.  He took me out for ice cream afterwards and was very real about what he wanted in life.  He expressed his desire to be married and have children.  I thought to myself, "Wow! This guy is so genuine! Finally, a man that knows what he wants and is ready for it."  I imagined God laughing at me for making a statement that there were no more good guys and yet, there was one sitting right in front of me.  A friend had asked me the day after our date if I had read his post on Facebook.  When I read it, he spoke of how beautiful, smart, and sweet I am and that he couldn't wait to see me, again.  That post received about 200 likes and many comments.  My heart did a little pitter-patter inside!  As others made comments about buying a new dress for a wedding and thinking he was "The One", I was just trying not to get my hopes up.  In my experience, no guy has ever stayed(except you Mark) and while others were hopeful, I was afraid. While this man was a good man, I continued to remind myself to take it slow and guard my heart.  

I enjoyed spending time with him and he was very much a gentleman.  One night, he got to see a little of what I call "Slumber Party Brittney."  Girls you know what I'm talking about.  It's that girl that comes out when you are at a slumber party and so tired that you are a little delirious...so you can't stop talking.  I remember asking him, "Am I going to see you again?"  I feared it might have scared him away, but it didn't.  During Thanksgiving break, we saw each other 5 days in a row and I was surprised that we hadn't gotten tired of each other, lol!  I am one that values my alone time. He even helped me decorate not one, but two Christmas trees, even though its not that big of a deal to him. He took me to see the Christmas lights in Chickasha.  I'm sure my face lit up like a Christmas tree!  He made me laugh all the way there and back as he used all these accents as he spoke.  It was there we took our first picture together.  He also held my hand for the first time that night :-)  After posting to Facebook, we both got a kick out of reading our friends comments saying everything they could to make us "official".  I was really enjoying where we were.  It's normal for people to want to rush you into the next stage, but I didn't want to rush.  I wanted to enjoy every part of this dating experience.  He had set a good pace, which I was happy to follow!

He was good at listening and knowing what I found important or special.  He gave me this little book about Christmas in New York City that he found.  Talk about my heart melting!  The fact that he thought of me and knew my heart made his less-than-a-dollar purchase worth so much more!  He even used two of my three favorite words when in conversations..."woo" and "smitten"!  I finally came to a point where I admitted to myself that this was someone I could love and could marry one day.  I even dusted off a journal from the shelf that I had been writing to my future husband since college.  That journal has been thrown across the room many times before and left in a stack of books for awhile.  I got to a point where I did not believe that there was anyone and writing to someone who didn't exist was just ridiculous!  In my attempts to fight hope, it slowly crept in.   This relationship looked promising, but my insecurities still leaked out.  When the pattern of your life has men continually walking out of your life, it is hard to believe that one day that pattern will change.  

After dating one another for a month, I could tell something wasn't right.  The responses through text were short and not much initiating on his end.  I knew that this behavior change meant something was up even though he told me he was fine and just busy.  We finally had a conversation over the phone where it seemed that I was just being insecure and he was fine.  The conversation took a turn and lead to information that changed everything.  What do you say or even do when you find out the guy you are smitten about is still in love with his ex-girlfriend?!  My heart sunk.  I thought, "This cannot be happening!  No! No! No! It was suppose to be my turn!"  The tears were impossible to hold back.  He ended us.  

Let it be known that I respect him greatly for caring about me enough to not lead me on.  Still I can't help but think, he's an idiot!!  It's hard not to compare and ask what does this girl have that I don't have?  A good dose of crazy?  She broke his heart two times, so why wouldn't she a third?  I tried to prepare myself for this.  I tried to convince myself not to hope. Guess what? It still hurts!!!  My heart hurts, and I do not understand.  Again, I am not the one being fought for, and I so badly want to be won! It is not my intention that anyone would think of him in a negative way.  Sam is a great man and you couldn't convince me otherwise!  I'd give anything to change his mind, however, that's not in my control.  What is in my control is that I can move forward and know that somehow in some way I will learn something from this, but I'm not ready to learn it yet.  I just want to let it suck for now.  

So 3 hours in Starbucks, 2 cups of coffee and 4 bathroom visits later, that is the story of Sweet Sam.  Some healing for me took place as I typed these words.  I know I am lovable and worthy of someone who is totally devoted and in love with me.  I have the ability to love deeply and will be a wonderful wife and mother if that's ever something God chooses to give me. It terrifies me to think I may die alone.  That I will have nothing to leave behind.  

Brave the Waters

I have started a bible study called "Brave" by Angela Thomas.  Today, as I was reading through the day, I thought about that word … rave.  I instantly thought of a quote from one of my favorite movies that I relate to often.  

“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.                    - You've Got Mail”

Growing up, I've always played it safe.  Seriously.  I have never had a broken bone, stitches, or any other major accident(knock on wood). I was the little girl who would always sit back and watch other kids do fun, adventurous things, while worrying like a momma that someone might get hurt.  In Junior High I wanted to play softball, so my dad and I played a little catch in the backyard to see if I was any good.  I threw it so hard that it popped up out of his glove, hit him right in the nose, and made it bleed.  Do you think I tried out for softball after that….heck no!  I wasn't about to get hit with a ball!  Who knows?  I could have been a great ball player.  I didn't ride my first roller coaster until I was 18!  As soon as the ride was over,  I wanted to go again.  I love roller coasters and could have enjoyed them 10 years earlier if only I hadn't been a scaredy cat.  Even today, I will play out a situation in my head about the possible outcomes of what could and might happen if I did it.  Most of the time, I decide that the risk is too great and I wimp out.  This will make you laugh.  I even have fears of using the laminator at school because I'm afraid somehow my hair will get caught in it and I would have to cut it to avoid the hair being ripped out of my scalp.  Isn't that ridiculous?!  You laugh, but its true.  

It was about 3 years ago that I decided I had enough!  I was tired of my dreams remaining dreams and the what ifs haunting me.  I decided to make one of my dreams a reality and in December 2011, I went to New York City!  I had always talked about going and thought that I might go there with my husband on our honeymoon.  Then I realized, I don't have to sit around for some guy to sweep me off my feet and take me there…I could go without him!  And that I did.  It was such a wonderful experience with my friend Jana and it was everything I hoped it would be!  I loved it so much that another act of bravery took me there the following summer, where I stayed for 4 weeks, and earned my certification to teach English abroad.  I didn't stop there!  That next year, I began looking into opportunities to teach overseas that summer.  I got connected with a wonderful Christian organization and began raising support to travel to teach the children of Cambodia.  You can check out my previous posts about my experience there!  It was life changing!  All of these things would not have been possible if I had not been brave enough to walk out on the water with Christ.  

"Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.  Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

                                                     -Matthew 14:22-33

It's interesting that this passage comes to mind with Peter on the water.  That's exactly where God lead me today…the water!  My parents live near Shawnee Twin Lakes, and when I was in high school I would drive to this spot by the water to just get away from everything.  I would go there to think, cry, read, pray.  I would love going around sunset when it was calm and all I could hear was the water pushing up against the bank.  It was a beautiful day today and after church I decided to deviate from my original Sunday plans and go back to this spot.  It is near where the tornados came through this past May so things looked very different.  I hadn't been there in years and it looked so different.  I parked on the ramp, close to the water, and memories of all the reasons I had gone there came back like it was yesterday.   I sat there.  I did the usual.  I read my devotion and listened to some worship music.  I got out and snapped a few pictures.  I prayed.

 I asked God to show me where I needed to be brave and step out on the water with Him.  He has been revealing so much to me in the past couple weeks.  Its cool just how much He will reveal to you when you open your heart up to Him.  I want to be brave and be willing to go wherever He may lead me.  I think Peter is such a great example of how we have to put our focus on Christ before we step out of the boat. We have to wait for His calling and have the faith to step out and trust him.  It's easier said than done.  I will fail. Waves of distractions, trials, and hurts that I go through may very well cause me to take my eyes off of Jesus, but I am thankful for his grace and mercy. He won't let me drown! There's this song that has been running non-stop in my head.  Probably because its been running non-stop on the radio, lol! I bet you can guess it!  In the number of times I have heard it, it wasn't until today that this mainstream song meant something more to me than just a song.  Whether you've never heard it or have heard it a 100 times, take the time to listen to the words.  They are powerful! God calls each and everyone of us out on the water.  Will you be brave and follow Him?

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will standAnd I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mineYour grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start nowSo I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mineSpirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my SaviorI will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Abandoned

Abandoned.  I have used this word as my identity for most of my life.  My biological father made the choice not to be a part of my life before I was born.  It’s heartbreaking that someone I have never met could have created so much hurt and leave me with wounds that I would spend the rest of my life trying to heal.  To abandon means to desert, forsake, cast aside, reject.  It didn’t affect me much when I was younger, but as I entered middle school and high school, it clearly crippled me.  I saw myself as all those things that define the word.  I told myself for years that I’m not valuable, lovable, and most assuredly, that I will never be enough for someone to want to stay.  I had accepted that people would always leave. God knew the right people to place in my life to help me work through the false messages that I believed.  I had finally reached the point of forgiving my father for his decision that affected me greatly.  Shortly after, I discovered that he passed away from cancer and my chance of meeting him on earth vanished.  Though I had nothing but forgiveness towards him, I still continued to struggle with feeling unwanted. 

The fear arises in almost every relationship I have.  I will find myself getting attached to someone and relying on him or her to answer my questions, “Will you leave me, too?  Am I enough for you to stay? Is a relationship with me worthy of your time?”  I almost feel like a mouse scurrying around looking for the last piece of food… desperate for someone to say yes!  Many people have come and gone in my almost 30 years of life.  Many had reasons that had nothing to do with me. Some made promises that they would never keep and walked out as quickly as they walked in.  With each lost relationship the process starts over again.  It is so easy for me to fall victim and let the enemy convince me that it’s my fault.  Every bit of truth I know is thrown out the window and I whisper to myself… abandoned. This has been such a struggle in my spiritual walk with the Lord. Deuteronomy 31:8 “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. ” (ESV) Honestly, it is difficult to cling on to this promise when at times it feels like God has set me on a shelf and forgotten me, like many others.  His word scorches that lie when he says, “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.” (Isaiah 49:15-16a NLT) I am guilty of taking my experiences with people and projecting it onto God and calling that His character.  What a destructive way to think! 

Lately, I have been pondering on this word abandoned.   I realized that in the last year and maybe two that this word defines me more than any other time in my life.  I’m not referring to being the one that has been abandoned, but the one who has abandoned.  I reached a place where I couldn’t make sense of God in my life and I chose to run.  I chose to take my heart and keep it as far away from God as possible. I viewed God the same way I did the people that hurt me in life.  I never deserted my faith, but I grew extremely apathetic.  I didn’t care to spend time with him.  I didn’t care whether I was doing what God wanted me to do and didn’t figure He missed me anyway. Those who have been consistent in my life (you know who you are) have seen the struggle. I’m well aware of how hard it has been to love me through this.  You will never know how much you mean to me!

I’ve sat and tried to think of what I can do to bring me back to intimacy with God.  It seems like so long ago that I experienced it.  My natural instinct is to run down a list in my head of things to do and not do because of my legalistic nature.  Again, I heard the same word whispered…Abandon.  As I looked at the meaning of this word, I saw another.  Abandon- unrestrained, uncontrolled, uninhibited.  I wondered what it was I needed to abandon.  I recalled a bible study I did in college that spoke about reckless abandonment.  Throw caution to the wind, or to go for broke, to give it your all, without any hesitation, qualification, or any other cautionary measures.  Sounds like pretty reckless behavior, but that’s what God wants from me.  He wants my all, my everything. I quickly thought of Hebrews 12:1,

THEREFORE THEN, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,

2 Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Ps. 110:1.]

I won’t pretend to know exactly what this looks like and I’m not afraid to admit I will screw it up! The questions I asked (Will you leave me, too?  Am I enough for you to stay? Is a relationship with me worthy of your time?) has already been answered by Christ.  He answered those questions when he was sent from heaven to come on this earth and die for me.  To abandon myself to Christ means to answer my own questions.  “Will I leave God?”  “Is He enough?”  “Is God worthy of my time?“  

I choose to abandon.

A Prayer By Charles de Foucauld (1858-1916)

“Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
and in all Your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,

For you are my Father.”