Brave the Waters

I have started a bible study called "Brave" by Angela Thomas.  Today, as I was reading through the day, I thought about that word … rave.  I instantly thought of a quote from one of my favorite movies that I relate to often.  

“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.                    - You've Got Mail”

Growing up, I've always played it safe.  Seriously.  I have never had a broken bone, stitches, or any other major accident(knock on wood). I was the little girl who would always sit back and watch other kids do fun, adventurous things, while worrying like a momma that someone might get hurt.  In Junior High I wanted to play softball, so my dad and I played a little catch in the backyard to see if I was any good.  I threw it so hard that it popped up out of his glove, hit him right in the nose, and made it bleed.  Do you think I tried out for softball after that….heck no!  I wasn't about to get hit with a ball!  Who knows?  I could have been a great ball player.  I didn't ride my first roller coaster until I was 18!  As soon as the ride was over,  I wanted to go again.  I love roller coasters and could have enjoyed them 10 years earlier if only I hadn't been a scaredy cat.  Even today, I will play out a situation in my head about the possible outcomes of what could and might happen if I did it.  Most of the time, I decide that the risk is too great and I wimp out.  This will make you laugh.  I even have fears of using the laminator at school because I'm afraid somehow my hair will get caught in it and I would have to cut it to avoid the hair being ripped out of my scalp.  Isn't that ridiculous?!  You laugh, but its true.  

It was about 3 years ago that I decided I had enough!  I was tired of my dreams remaining dreams and the what ifs haunting me.  I decided to make one of my dreams a reality and in December 2011, I went to New York City!  I had always talked about going and thought that I might go there with my husband on our honeymoon.  Then I realized, I don't have to sit around for some guy to sweep me off my feet and take me there…I could go without him!  And that I did.  It was such a wonderful experience with my friend Jana and it was everything I hoped it would be!  I loved it so much that another act of bravery took me there the following summer, where I stayed for 4 weeks, and earned my certification to teach English abroad.  I didn't stop there!  That next year, I began looking into opportunities to teach overseas that summer.  I got connected with a wonderful Christian organization and began raising support to travel to teach the children of Cambodia.  You can check out my previous posts about my experience there!  It was life changing!  All of these things would not have been possible if I had not been brave enough to walk out on the water with Christ.  

"Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.  Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

                                                     -Matthew 14:22-33

It's interesting that this passage comes to mind with Peter on the water.  That's exactly where God lead me today…the water!  My parents live near Shawnee Twin Lakes, and when I was in high school I would drive to this spot by the water to just get away from everything.  I would go there to think, cry, read, pray.  I would love going around sunset when it was calm and all I could hear was the water pushing up against the bank.  It was a beautiful day today and after church I decided to deviate from my original Sunday plans and go back to this spot.  It is near where the tornados came through this past May so things looked very different.  I hadn't been there in years and it looked so different.  I parked on the ramp, close to the water, and memories of all the reasons I had gone there came back like it was yesterday.   I sat there.  I did the usual.  I read my devotion and listened to some worship music.  I got out and snapped a few pictures.  I prayed.

 I asked God to show me where I needed to be brave and step out on the water with Him.  He has been revealing so much to me in the past couple weeks.  Its cool just how much He will reveal to you when you open your heart up to Him.  I want to be brave and be willing to go wherever He may lead me.  I think Peter is such a great example of how we have to put our focus on Christ before we step out of the boat. We have to wait for His calling and have the faith to step out and trust him.  It's easier said than done.  I will fail. Waves of distractions, trials, and hurts that I go through may very well cause me to take my eyes off of Jesus, but I am thankful for his grace and mercy. He won't let me drown! There's this song that has been running non-stop in my head.  Probably because its been running non-stop on the radio, lol! I bet you can guess it!  In the number of times I have heard it, it wasn't until today that this mainstream song meant something more to me than just a song.  Whether you've never heard it or have heard it a 100 times, take the time to listen to the words.  They are powerful! God calls each and everyone of us out on the water.  Will you be brave and follow Him?

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will standAnd I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mineYour grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start nowSo I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mineSpirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my SaviorI will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Abandoned

Abandoned.  I have used this word as my identity for most of my life.  My biological father made the choice not to be a part of my life before I was born.  It’s heartbreaking that someone I have never met could have created so much hurt and leave me with wounds that I would spend the rest of my life trying to heal.  To abandon means to desert, forsake, cast aside, reject.  It didn’t affect me much when I was younger, but as I entered middle school and high school, it clearly crippled me.  I saw myself as all those things that define the word.  I told myself for years that I’m not valuable, lovable, and most assuredly, that I will never be enough for someone to want to stay.  I had accepted that people would always leave. God knew the right people to place in my life to help me work through the false messages that I believed.  I had finally reached the point of forgiving my father for his decision that affected me greatly.  Shortly after, I discovered that he passed away from cancer and my chance of meeting him on earth vanished.  Though I had nothing but forgiveness towards him, I still continued to struggle with feeling unwanted. 

The fear arises in almost every relationship I have.  I will find myself getting attached to someone and relying on him or her to answer my questions, “Will you leave me, too?  Am I enough for you to stay? Is a relationship with me worthy of your time?”  I almost feel like a mouse scurrying around looking for the last piece of food… desperate for someone to say yes!  Many people have come and gone in my almost 30 years of life.  Many had reasons that had nothing to do with me. Some made promises that they would never keep and walked out as quickly as they walked in.  With each lost relationship the process starts over again.  It is so easy for me to fall victim and let the enemy convince me that it’s my fault.  Every bit of truth I know is thrown out the window and I whisper to myself… abandoned. This has been such a struggle in my spiritual walk with the Lord. Deuteronomy 31:8 “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. ” (ESV) Honestly, it is difficult to cling on to this promise when at times it feels like God has set me on a shelf and forgotten me, like many others.  His word scorches that lie when he says, “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.” (Isaiah 49:15-16a NLT) I am guilty of taking my experiences with people and projecting it onto God and calling that His character.  What a destructive way to think! 

Lately, I have been pondering on this word abandoned.   I realized that in the last year and maybe two that this word defines me more than any other time in my life.  I’m not referring to being the one that has been abandoned, but the one who has abandoned.  I reached a place where I couldn’t make sense of God in my life and I chose to run.  I chose to take my heart and keep it as far away from God as possible. I viewed God the same way I did the people that hurt me in life.  I never deserted my faith, but I grew extremely apathetic.  I didn’t care to spend time with him.  I didn’t care whether I was doing what God wanted me to do and didn’t figure He missed me anyway. Those who have been consistent in my life (you know who you are) have seen the struggle. I’m well aware of how hard it has been to love me through this.  You will never know how much you mean to me!

I’ve sat and tried to think of what I can do to bring me back to intimacy with God.  It seems like so long ago that I experienced it.  My natural instinct is to run down a list in my head of things to do and not do because of my legalistic nature.  Again, I heard the same word whispered…Abandon.  As I looked at the meaning of this word, I saw another.  Abandon- unrestrained, uncontrolled, uninhibited.  I wondered what it was I needed to abandon.  I recalled a bible study I did in college that spoke about reckless abandonment.  Throw caution to the wind, or to go for broke, to give it your all, without any hesitation, qualification, or any other cautionary measures.  Sounds like pretty reckless behavior, but that’s what God wants from me.  He wants my all, my everything. I quickly thought of Hebrews 12:1,

THEREFORE THEN, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,

2 Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Ps. 110:1.]

I won’t pretend to know exactly what this looks like and I’m not afraid to admit I will screw it up! The questions I asked (Will you leave me, too?  Am I enough for you to stay? Is a relationship with me worthy of your time?) has already been answered by Christ.  He answered those questions when he was sent from heaven to come on this earth and die for me.  To abandon myself to Christ means to answer my own questions.  “Will I leave God?”  “Is He enough?”  “Is God worthy of my time?“  

I choose to abandon.

A Prayer By Charles de Foucauld (1858-1916)

“Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
and in all Your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,

For you are my Father.”

Packing Up

Today is our last day in Cambodia.  We decided to spend the afternoon getting some pre-plane pampering before our journey home.  I am sitting in Sugar and Spice Cafe above Daughters of Cambodia.  I just finished getting my first full body massage.  It was amazing, and a little painful at some points.  My skin is red and on fire!  LOL!

This weekend, we went to Siem Reap.  It is a big tourist location where people visit Angkor Watt.  We rented a van and left early Saturday morning.  Our driver's name was Mono and he was a hoot! He had the greatest laugh:)  It took about 6 hours to get there.  We found our hotel after a little bit of confusion as to which one we actually had reservations for.  Lucky Angkor Hotel was very nice!  Deanna and I were especially excited about having a comfortable bed!  The bed was pretty hard but getting to snuggle up with a comforter and comfy pillow made it nice.  We dropped our stuff off shortly after we arrived we started walking to find a market.  The market was a little farther than we thought so we waited until 4:00 and went to Angkor Watt to get our passes and see the sunset.  We walked up a hill and then a steep set of stairs with like a thousand steps to the  top of a temple.  Unfortunately, it was cloudy and then began to sprinkle, so we didn't get to see the sunset.  We took some pics before heading back.  Mono drove us back to Pub Street where we could find a place to eat and shop at the Night Market.  We found an Irish Pub and Steakhouse and had a good meal:)  We shopped for gifts and souvenirs at the night market and headed back to the hotel.  We left the next morning at 4:30 AM to see the sunrise.  It was dark walking to the temple and a man joined us in our walk and showed us the best place to stand for pictures.  I wasn't sure why he was being so helpful.  It turns out, he owned a little coffee place nearby.  He told us his name was 007! :)  He was so kind.  He took our coffee order and brought back little stools for us to sit on while we waited.  He brought us our coffee as well!  Yes, he wanted our business, but he had such a genuine heart to take care of us. We didn't get lucky in seeing the sunrise, either.  It was cloudy so waking up so early really wasn't worth it.  Anyhow, we went back to the hotel for breakfast and to pack up.

The first thing we did as soon as we arrived into the Wat was find the elephants!  I was pretty excited about it!  It was a rocky ride but a very awesome experience!  We went through a few temples but did it fairly quickly.  That was OK for most of us because we were so tired.  We had lunch at The Blue Pumpkin, grabbed a few desserts and were on our way home at about 3:00PM. We arrived home at around 9:00 PM and got to sleep in a little this morning.  I'll be getting into Oklahoma Tuesday evening.  I'm so excited to see all of you and tell you about all this in person!  See you soon!!!

Another Goodbye

I started writing this post on Wednesday and am finishing it up today on Thursday, so the days might seem a little off in my post. 

It’s Wednesday and I need rest.  Since we are teaching at two schools and helping with VBS in the evenings, there is just a lot on my plate.  I have to fight the urge to want to slack a little since things are coming to a close.  I’m trying to think of it like this....It is my last week to teach here, my last time to see these students and kids. Make the most of it and do it all for the glory of God.

 I’ve decided to catch you up to today, but also include some things I’ve learned about Cambodia that are more on the comical and/or weird side, just because its interesting and I could use a laugh! 

After visiting the orphanage on Saturday, we had plans to attend Vibol’s (tuk tuk driver) church the next morning. They do a lot of filming there of sermons and things and have cancelled the last couple of Sundays and this Sunday was the same story.  So our team got together that afternoon to have devotion.  Logos has a missionary church in English at 4:00 so we have attended there every Sunday and it has been a blessing to speak with others that are serving in Cambodia and listen to their stories of what brought them here.  The pastor and his wife came 10 years ago and while here they have adopted 9 children!  I think that is so cool!  Following church, we went to Mike’s Burgers again because Stephanie was sick the first time we went.  I ordered the same exact thing including another Mountain Dew, and it was just as delicious as the first. Yum! 

I am doing a unit on the 5 senses with my Kindergarteners this week. On Monday, we made special Spy glasses for sight. Tuesday, I had them listen to certain sounds and guess what sound it was, and today, for touch, they had to reach into a sock and draw what the object was just by feeling it. At New Life School, the preschoolers are learning about the letter Ss this week. I read to the preschoolers Mister Seahorse on Monday. They made seahorses using tissue paper and a pencil.  It’s good for fine motor practice because they are not allowed to cut with scissors, which makes it really hard to do craft projects.  I have to do most of the work beforehand. Yesterday, we sang the “Cool Itsy Bitsy Spider” song by Jack Hartmann and I taught them about positional words.  They made a book and had to draw the spider in certain positions next to the pumpkin, cat, gate, dog, and bat.  Next, we made spider hats.  They were so cute in them, but I do not recommend making these unless you have a helper or they are old enough to cut and glue independently.  LOL! 

I am doing the same lesson for both schools, today.  The preschoolers will do Letter Ss Bingo and then a modified version of “What’s in the Sock?” game. It was hard to say goodbye to my preschoolers.  I have enjoyed them so much!  I love how when I open the door, they get excited and I hear over and over again, “Hello Teacher!”  I have to give each one of them a high five and for most of them, one is not enough. They are ready to learn and during the lesson and they repeat everything I say! They need guidance and encouragement because their English is very limited.  This reminded me of how I should look to God. 

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 19:14

I have learned so much from children in the years I have worked with them.  Seeing their enthusiasm and faces light up when I entered the room is the same look I want on my face when I experience Jesus.  I want to look at Him and mimic who He is!  A lot of the time I look to other things and people to affirm me or find my value, but I should always be looking to My Creator! Only He can define who I am because He is the one that made me.  Children get it!

My last day at Logos with the Kindergartners is Friday.  They have been a bit of a rough class.  I have several who do not speak English and others that are very proficient and at times has the “I know it already” attitude.  I’ve also learned that no matter where you are in the world, kids are kids and they will still talk when you are speaking, not listen the 2^nd, 3^rd, or 4^th time you tell them to do something, and of course, there will always be the ornery ones. I have still enjoyed them so much and they have shown me that I can go back home and challenge my students more because these kids know a lot!  We are having a program tomorrow that Deanna (the music teacher) is putting on.  Each class will sing and/or dance to something they have worked on in class.  In one class, she is doing a Stomp showcase where the students are playing on pots, pans, garbage cans, etc. It should be pretty cool!

Tonight(Thursday) was our last time with the VBS kids.  I will probably miss them the most.  Even though we couldn't speak to one another, so much love was given and received.  It rained most of the evening and God painted a huge rainbow in the sky.  We have seen a few since it rains so much here, but this one you could see from end to end! The colors were so bright and beautiful!  It made my heart smile that even though we will not see these little ones again, God promises to take care of His children!  

This little girl brings me a flower to VBS in the evenings.

So…a few random things about Cambodia

1)    Traffic laws are rarely ever followed and pedestrians do not have the right of way. If you want to cross the street, no one will be stopping so you just have to step out, on to the extremely busy road, and dodge.  It is very typical for motos, cars, and tuk tuk to drive on the opposite side of the road for any number of reasons.  For example, if you need to turn left you just go to the opposite side (there are no lanes) of the road and drive until your turn.  Even better, a gas station on the side of the road is a perfect turning lane.

2)   Guys can pee wherever they please.  There have many occurrences of riding along in the tuk tuk and you look over and see men standing by the wall taking care of business.  This isn’t in an open pasture somewhere by the way.

3)   When you go inside someone’s home or the school, it is customary to take off your shoes.  However, most people are barefoot even outside as well.  My feet are pretty disgusting by the end of the day!

4)   If you go to the market and look at someone’s booth for more than 3 seconds, be prepared for a series of 30 questions from the seller.  Then, if you waste their time bartering for more than a few minutes and decide you don’t want to buy…be prepared to be yelled at while you walk away.  One girl from our team got cornered and the lady would not let her go until she bought something. 

5)   Children like to shout “HELLO” and wave anytime they see white people. 

6)   Cows are just hanging out on the streets or in small grass areas, and they really like to eat trash or anything really.  And this is what I’ve been eating????

7)   Lucky is a grocery store we go to often to stock up on snacks and things.  So, instead of “I need to go to Walmart”, here it is “I’ve got to go to Lucky, today!” Our group has made it a tradition to always stop at the little ice cream shop outside of Lucky to get a scoop.

8)   Movies here only cost $3 and 3D movies are $5.  If you want a coke and some popcorn, no need to smuggle it in!  It will only cost you $3!! This is awesome!

9)   If you are American, getting 6 on a tuk tuk is packing it.  For Cambodians….If you have got less than 10 on your tuk tuk, you are wasting space and money. (*We broke our record and got 8 on today).

10) There are no Starbucks!!! Have I mentioned that before? They do serve iced coffee here that has sweetened condensed milk in it. Let me tell you, it is AMAZING!!! :)

We will be going to Siem Reap this weekend to see Angkor Watt.  I’m really excited about getting some pics of the old temples with tree roots taking them over and also riding an elephant!  It will also be nice to sleep in another bed that hopefully is more comfortable than mine.  Monday will be our pre- plane pampering. We are going back to Daughters of Cambodia to get massages and some mani & pedis.  Maybe our feet won’t swell this time. LOL!  Our flight leaves at 12:05AM on Tuesday (noon your time) and I will get home around 10ish Tuesday evening. 

I can’t wait to see you all!  It has been a wonderful experience!!!

I still need to raise $500 to pay TeachOverseas for the remainder of the program.  If you would like to donate, click on this link. 

https://www.teachoverseas.org/give/make-a-donation/