I thought this Christmas would be different. I thought I would no longer spend another Christmas alone, without a significant other. Practically every family member and friend thought the same thing. Unfortunately, it was another Christmas alone...and a painful one for me. Seven years ago, I had a broken heart like this. Many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. That feeling where you physically ache in your gut. The feeling of knowing you are powerless and there's nothing you can do but bear it. You will do anything that will take your mind off of the hurt for just a moment; take naps, watch movies, rake the leaves, clean your car and house from top to bottom, workout at the gym like crazy. I am sitting in the same place that I did 7 years ago. It's a place that I could go and be alone, without being alone. I would sit here for hours and hours reading, journaling, observing everyone else, and in my little bubble, feeling invisible. As time went on, and my heart healed, I didn't rely upon Starbucks so much. I know you are laughing that Starbucks was my shelter from the storm, but when you are hurting, people will think and do things that don't make sense. So tonight, I sit in the corner of Starbucks...heartbroken and writing this.
Many people have said that I should write a book or have a movie about my life, and they are right! You cannot make up the experiences I have had in my life, especially with men! Drama tends to follow, with little effort on my part. Making money off of the crazy things that happen in my life seems like the way to go. Might as well entertain some folks! LOL! I have decided to start blogging about these experiences and who knows, perhaps one day, I can write a book. So, I will start with where I am right now. Those of you who know me, know that I am an open book. There isn't much that I hold back, so you shouldn't expect anything different in this blog. This post will be a deviation from how I usually end my blog. It will not end with me having the hope that better things are to come or that I know that through this God is teaching me another lesson. Honestly, this sucks and I just need to take a moment to feel sorry for myself and not look for a silver lining.
This story starts at the beginning of November. I had just had another encounter with a total jerk and was fed up with men. {I've started giving them names so that my friends can keep them straight}. There are those like Jerk John, Aggressive Allan, Chill Chase (which later became Cheap Chase), and others I will get to in future posts (names have been changed}. I remember making a post on Facebook stating that I could not be convinced that there were any good, or decent single men that existed. Shortly after, my coworker had mentioned a single guy(I will call him Sweet Sam) that she had been telling me about for years. Seriously, she probably told me about him a couple times a year for 5 or more years!! Now, I sure wish I would have agreed to meet him then. She asked if she could tell him about me and I flippantly said sure, with no intentions of anything coming of it. He happened to check out my Facebook page the same day I posted my "I hate boys" post. He still expressed interest in me even with my cynical attitude. He began messaging me on Facebook and I really was going through the motions at first. He was always quick to respond and asked good questions. He maintained appropriate conversation, which believe it or not, seems to be impossible for a man. We realized that we had many mutual friends, and later admitted to each other that we questioned the same friends to find any dirt on one another. He even did a public access record check on me! I was relieved that so many people had wonderful things to say about him. We found we had a lot in common. We hate the smell of cigarette smoke, have never been drunk, are debt free, could care less about football, we love God, and want a family...soon! He is unlike any guy I have ever met. I remember telling my coworker that I was afraid I was going to like him. Our conversations continued and he asked me out on a date! I was excited and had two weeks before we could meet. Those two weeks went by very slowly. Finally, the night had come and he picked me up. He greeted me with a smile and a hug. He didn't show an ounce of nervousness and proceeded like he was continuing our last conversation. I felt like a wreck inside! He took me to dinner and the conversation was great! I remember asking him why he had this grin on his face. He said, "I cannot believe you are not married." Then, I had the silly grin. We also watched the movie "Dumb and Dumber To" and had a lot of laughs. There were a few moments when I wondered if he was embarrassed of my laugh, like a guy had admitted to me in the past. We laughed a lot that evening. He took me out for ice cream afterwards and was very real about what he wanted in life. He expressed his desire to be married and have children. I thought to myself, "Wow! This guy is so genuine! Finally, a man that knows what he wants and is ready for it." I imagined God laughing at me for making a statement that there were no more good guys and yet, there was one sitting right in front of me. A friend had asked me the day after our date if I had read his post on Facebook. When I read it, he spoke of how beautiful, smart, and sweet I am and that he couldn't wait to see me, again. That post received about 200 likes and many comments. My heart did a little pitter-patter inside! As others made comments about buying a new dress for a wedding and thinking he was "The One", I was just trying not to get my hopes up. In my experience, no guy has ever stayed(except you Mark) and while others were hopeful, I was afraid. While this man was a good man, I continued to remind myself to take it slow and guard my heart.
I enjoyed spending time with him and he was very much a gentleman. One night, he got to see a little of what I call "Slumber Party Brittney." Girls you know what I'm talking about. It's that girl that comes out when you are at a slumber party and so tired that you are a little delirious...so you can't stop talking. I remember asking him, "Am I going to see you again?" I feared it might have scared him away, but it didn't. During Thanksgiving break, we saw each other 5 days in a row and I was surprised that we hadn't gotten tired of each other, lol! I am one that values my alone time. He even helped me decorate not one, but two Christmas trees, even though its not that big of a deal to him. He took me to see the Christmas lights in Chickasha. I'm sure my face lit up like a Christmas tree! He made me laugh all the way there and back as he used all these accents as he spoke. It was there we took our first picture together. He also held my hand for the first time that night :-) After posting to Facebook, we both got a kick out of reading our friends comments saying everything they could to make us "official". I was really enjoying where we were. It's normal for people to want to rush you into the next stage, but I didn't want to rush. I wanted to enjoy every part of this dating experience. He had set a good pace, which I was happy to follow!
He was good at listening and knowing what I found important or special. He gave me this little book about Christmas in New York City that he found. Talk about my heart melting! The fact that he thought of me and knew my heart made his less-than-a-dollar purchase worth so much more! He even used two of my three favorite words when in conversations..."woo" and "smitten"! I finally came to a point where I admitted to myself that this was someone I could love and could marry one day. I even dusted off a journal from the shelf that I had been writing to my future husband since college. That journal has been thrown across the room many times before and left in a stack of books for awhile. I got to a point where I did not believe that there was anyone and writing to someone who didn't exist was just ridiculous! In my attempts to fight hope, it slowly crept in. This relationship looked promising, but my insecurities still leaked out. When the pattern of your life has men continually walking out of your life, it is hard to believe that one day that pattern will change.
After dating one another for a month, I could tell something wasn't right. The responses through text were short and not much initiating on his end. I knew that this behavior change meant something was up even though he told me he was fine and just busy. We finally had a conversation over the phone where it seemed that I was just being insecure and he was fine. The conversation took a turn and lead to information that changed everything. What do you say or even do when you find out the guy you are smitten about is still in love with his ex-girlfriend?! My heart sunk. I thought, "This cannot be happening! No! No! No! It was suppose to be my turn!" The tears were impossible to hold back. He ended us.
Let it be known that I respect him greatly for caring about me enough to not lead me on. Still I can't help but think, he's an idiot!! It's hard not to compare and ask what does this girl have that I don't have? A good dose of crazy? She broke his heart two times, so why wouldn't she a third? I tried to prepare myself for this. I tried to convince myself not to hope. Guess what? It still hurts!!! My heart hurts, and I do not understand. Again, I am not the one being fought for, and I so badly want to be won! It is not my intention that anyone would think of him in a negative way. Sam is a great man and you couldn't convince me otherwise! I'd give anything to change his mind, however, that's not in my control. What is in my control is that I can move forward and know that somehow in some way I will learn something from this, but I'm not ready to learn it yet. I just want to let it suck for now.
So 3 hours in Starbucks, 2 cups of coffee and 4 bathroom visits later, that is the story of Sweet Sam. Some healing for me took place as I typed these words. I know I am lovable and worthy of someone who is totally devoted and in love with me. I have the ability to love deeply and will be a wonderful wife and mother if that's ever something God chooses to give me. It terrifies me to think I may die alone. That I will have nothing to leave behind.
