Brave the Waters

I have started a bible study called "Brave" by Angela Thomas.  Today, as I was reading through the day, I thought about that word … rave.  I instantly thought of a quote from one of my favorite movies that I relate to often.  

“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.                    - You've Got Mail”

Growing up, I've always played it safe.  Seriously.  I have never had a broken bone, stitches, or any other major accident(knock on wood). I was the little girl who would always sit back and watch other kids do fun, adventurous things, while worrying like a momma that someone might get hurt.  In Junior High I wanted to play softball, so my dad and I played a little catch in the backyard to see if I was any good.  I threw it so hard that it popped up out of his glove, hit him right in the nose, and made it bleed.  Do you think I tried out for softball after that….heck no!  I wasn't about to get hit with a ball!  Who knows?  I could have been a great ball player.  I didn't ride my first roller coaster until I was 18!  As soon as the ride was over,  I wanted to go again.  I love roller coasters and could have enjoyed them 10 years earlier if only I hadn't been a scaredy cat.  Even today, I will play out a situation in my head about the possible outcomes of what could and might happen if I did it.  Most of the time, I decide that the risk is too great and I wimp out.  This will make you laugh.  I even have fears of using the laminator at school because I'm afraid somehow my hair will get caught in it and I would have to cut it to avoid the hair being ripped out of my scalp.  Isn't that ridiculous?!  You laugh, but its true.  

It was about 3 years ago that I decided I had enough!  I was tired of my dreams remaining dreams and the what ifs haunting me.  I decided to make one of my dreams a reality and in December 2011, I went to New York City!  I had always talked about going and thought that I might go there with my husband on our honeymoon.  Then I realized, I don't have to sit around for some guy to sweep me off my feet and take me there…I could go without him!  And that I did.  It was such a wonderful experience with my friend Jana and it was everything I hoped it would be!  I loved it so much that another act of bravery took me there the following summer, where I stayed for 4 weeks, and earned my certification to teach English abroad.  I didn't stop there!  That next year, I began looking into opportunities to teach overseas that summer.  I got connected with a wonderful Christian organization and began raising support to travel to teach the children of Cambodia.  You can check out my previous posts about my experience there!  It was life changing!  All of these things would not have been possible if I had not been brave enough to walk out on the water with Christ.  

"Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.  Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

                                                     -Matthew 14:22-33

It's interesting that this passage comes to mind with Peter on the water.  That's exactly where God lead me today…the water!  My parents live near Shawnee Twin Lakes, and when I was in high school I would drive to this spot by the water to just get away from everything.  I would go there to think, cry, read, pray.  I would love going around sunset when it was calm and all I could hear was the water pushing up against the bank.  It was a beautiful day today and after church I decided to deviate from my original Sunday plans and go back to this spot.  It is near where the tornados came through this past May so things looked very different.  I hadn't been there in years and it looked so different.  I parked on the ramp, close to the water, and memories of all the reasons I had gone there came back like it was yesterday.   I sat there.  I did the usual.  I read my devotion and listened to some worship music.  I got out and snapped a few pictures.  I prayed.

 I asked God to show me where I needed to be brave and step out on the water with Him.  He has been revealing so much to me in the past couple weeks.  Its cool just how much He will reveal to you when you open your heart up to Him.  I want to be brave and be willing to go wherever He may lead me.  I think Peter is such a great example of how we have to put our focus on Christ before we step out of the boat. We have to wait for His calling and have the faith to step out and trust him.  It's easier said than done.  I will fail. Waves of distractions, trials, and hurts that I go through may very well cause me to take my eyes off of Jesus, but I am thankful for his grace and mercy. He won't let me drown! There's this song that has been running non-stop in my head.  Probably because its been running non-stop on the radio, lol! I bet you can guess it!  In the number of times I have heard it, it wasn't until today that this mainstream song meant something more to me than just a song.  Whether you've never heard it or have heard it a 100 times, take the time to listen to the words.  They are powerful! God calls each and everyone of us out on the water.  Will you be brave and follow Him?

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will standAnd I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mineYour grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start nowSo I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mineSpirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my SaviorI will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Abandoned

Abandoned.  I have used this word as my identity for most of my life.  My biological father made the choice not to be a part of my life before I was born.  It’s heartbreaking that someone I have never met could have created so much hurt and leave me with wounds that I would spend the rest of my life trying to heal.  To abandon means to desert, forsake, cast aside, reject.  It didn’t affect me much when I was younger, but as I entered middle school and high school, it clearly crippled me.  I saw myself as all those things that define the word.  I told myself for years that I’m not valuable, lovable, and most assuredly, that I will never be enough for someone to want to stay.  I had accepted that people would always leave. God knew the right people to place in my life to help me work through the false messages that I believed.  I had finally reached the point of forgiving my father for his decision that affected me greatly.  Shortly after, I discovered that he passed away from cancer and my chance of meeting him on earth vanished.  Though I had nothing but forgiveness towards him, I still continued to struggle with feeling unwanted. 

The fear arises in almost every relationship I have.  I will find myself getting attached to someone and relying on him or her to answer my questions, “Will you leave me, too?  Am I enough for you to stay? Is a relationship with me worthy of your time?”  I almost feel like a mouse scurrying around looking for the last piece of food… desperate for someone to say yes!  Many people have come and gone in my almost 30 years of life.  Many had reasons that had nothing to do with me. Some made promises that they would never keep and walked out as quickly as they walked in.  With each lost relationship the process starts over again.  It is so easy for me to fall victim and let the enemy convince me that it’s my fault.  Every bit of truth I know is thrown out the window and I whisper to myself… abandoned. This has been such a struggle in my spiritual walk with the Lord. Deuteronomy 31:8 “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. ” (ESV) Honestly, it is difficult to cling on to this promise when at times it feels like God has set me on a shelf and forgotten me, like many others.  His word scorches that lie when he says, “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.” (Isaiah 49:15-16a NLT) I am guilty of taking my experiences with people and projecting it onto God and calling that His character.  What a destructive way to think! 

Lately, I have been pondering on this word abandoned.   I realized that in the last year and maybe two that this word defines me more than any other time in my life.  I’m not referring to being the one that has been abandoned, but the one who has abandoned.  I reached a place where I couldn’t make sense of God in my life and I chose to run.  I chose to take my heart and keep it as far away from God as possible. I viewed God the same way I did the people that hurt me in life.  I never deserted my faith, but I grew extremely apathetic.  I didn’t care to spend time with him.  I didn’t care whether I was doing what God wanted me to do and didn’t figure He missed me anyway. Those who have been consistent in my life (you know who you are) have seen the struggle. I’m well aware of how hard it has been to love me through this.  You will never know how much you mean to me!

I’ve sat and tried to think of what I can do to bring me back to intimacy with God.  It seems like so long ago that I experienced it.  My natural instinct is to run down a list in my head of things to do and not do because of my legalistic nature.  Again, I heard the same word whispered…Abandon.  As I looked at the meaning of this word, I saw another.  Abandon- unrestrained, uncontrolled, uninhibited.  I wondered what it was I needed to abandon.  I recalled a bible study I did in college that spoke about reckless abandonment.  Throw caution to the wind, or to go for broke, to give it your all, without any hesitation, qualification, or any other cautionary measures.  Sounds like pretty reckless behavior, but that’s what God wants from me.  He wants my all, my everything. I quickly thought of Hebrews 12:1,

THEREFORE THEN, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,

2 Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Ps. 110:1.]

I won’t pretend to know exactly what this looks like and I’m not afraid to admit I will screw it up! The questions I asked (Will you leave me, too?  Am I enough for you to stay? Is a relationship with me worthy of your time?) has already been answered by Christ.  He answered those questions when he was sent from heaven to come on this earth and die for me.  To abandon myself to Christ means to answer my own questions.  “Will I leave God?”  “Is He enough?”  “Is God worthy of my time?“  

I choose to abandon.

A Prayer By Charles de Foucauld (1858-1916)

“Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
and in all Your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,

For you are my Father.”